As I sit here on the borrowed internet from next door wondering certain deeply important concepts of life's existence such as why lilacs smell so good, why is it still raining. why is getting rid of my sofa on freecycle could be such a drama and why is my partner such a grumpy non-understanding bastard sometimes? The answers are, really, who cares? That I just need to let it all flow around me and ignore the hooks which are threatening to snag me up in emotion and to overwhelm me. Intellectually I know this, emotionally I think I get caught up in the drama of it all and then I watch myself from afar and think, 'who the fuck IS this neurotic person from outer space who has overtaken my life'. She keeps appearing and I recognise her, she is the fragile vulnerable one, somewhat like my posh ancient porcelain cups that if you breathe on too heavily crack. Moving house has thinned my porcelain a little too much. I cracked a bit last night. Unfortunately the RS , being uber-exhausted was at cracking point too and result: stupid arguement where he got shouty and I got even more cryey and now he's worried about my mental health and I'm worried about his anger and the fact he appears to have arthritis.

But, all things pass. This morning after not getting angry about the fact he'd cracked into my 12 year old dessert wine that I had been saving for something (god knows what, but it's the principle of the thing now isn't it?). But really, it's a small thing, let it go tigress it's really not important. (notice my stream of consciousness mind here). I went for a walk around Dartington and naughtily absconded with some lilacs and wildflowers and then went to give the hypno-birthing woman the money for the course, it appears she has the aura of calm around her, which seems to have broken the spell and I feel less jagged than I did before. Sheesh.

The new house is lovely, I will post some pics when I get there. I need to sort out the garden which I will begin tomorrow. Today I tackle getting the phone and under the stairs sorted. and going to knitting and having a good bitch and consolation session. I also want to find the sewing machine, hopefully which is under the stairs. It almost feels like home but there is still boxes everywhere. But at least we can get to the sofas now... x

It has been decided that we WILL fix the car. Went to look at another car yesterday and almost bought it but the guy seemed a bit dodgy to me and the cash machine wouldn't give Jon his money, which we took as an omen of ill fortune. At least we KNOW what is wrong with the VW. For some reason my account has gone overdrawn (I am allowed to be overdrawn and it's only by £9!). I blame the phone bill coming in. But in reality it is just that I bought a few too many things while grocery shopping and at the sewing shop. It is funny that after the discussion on the weekend at Gaia the money issues and my attachment and refuge with them come to the fore. AAAAAAARRRRGH I hate money. Actually I only hate it when I worry there will not be enough to eat and pay the bills and buy stuff that I want (and realistically I don't want that much stuff). It's funny that a number in a bank account (which will change in 5 days to positive) can cause so much suffering. I know it's actually my attachment to the number and all the spiralling of doubt, anxiety and stories that go without. The human condition of the feeling of lack, spiritual angsty lack. Let it go tiger, let it go.... x

I will post some pics of the expanding tiger, when the RS takes some photos of it... The nymph has very kindly offered to do a photoshoot when it is even bigger which will be nice, given her incredible skills regarding photography.

It's awfully grey and overcast here, and I couldn't be arsed to sit today. Does that make me a bad Buddhist? I wil be going to yoga and we have meditation at that, so surely (justifying mind here) that counts. No, actually it doesn't actually count at all does it. Ho hum.

Want to stay at home and collect my energies and sort out what is going on here. And hence forth I think I shall not being posting on LJ for awhile, except perhaps poetry. That's all.

But Petal is packed. Why do I have so many shoes, this is ridiculous. The pink rower gave me a 15kg gas bottle (bless her) and all I have to do now is drive a long way to the most beautiful place in the known universe and be stupidly happy. What a chore.

xx

Hooray. I'm going to go and shack up in a van and a yurt and a caravan in Devon for the winter which means I am moving away from oxford. I have also fallen completely in love with a mad shamanic buddhist named Jon and I am so happy that I am dancing about constantly. I have not told the sword yet. Pease please people dont tell him. So I am in Oxford sorting out my stuff. I cant stand being in bricks and mortar and I miss the countryside. But it is only temporary. I need to get a job (any ideas people - agencies etc) and so on. But, but the world is beautiful and I am in it.

Get me out of the city please god.

Oh I love my life... xxxx

How can you possibly write a years worth of experience into one post. I think it will prove impossible, I have been to excstacy and love and preciousness and confusion and hate and frustration and insanity and outrageous nakedness and back. I am purged and cleaned out and have abused my body a little too much with a little too much weed and nicotine. But I am feeling very very grounded. Have fallen in love with a completely inappropriate and insane man named Steve, who appears to have fallen in love with me as well. This bodes well and the first week appears to be good, but now the festival is over he seems to have turned into a bit of a hiding away introverted stoned nutter. But, I am just seeing how it all goes and giving him space. I am perfectedly contented to be shacked up with him in a couple of vans in the middle of nowhere for another week, but I will live my own life, and being upset by a mere man is not really worth it. But the way he loks at me, it makes me dio backflips, oh, god I think I have actually for once fallen in love with someone and it has made me realise how very little I was in love with the sword. I am somewhat blown away. xx

PS Two best things done at Buddhafield festiveL;

1) Walking around topless with two other godessess giving semi-naked hugs to random strangers
2) Running around naked in a rainstorm with the illustrations Mad-man of my dreams.

Tra la la... The van is done and all I have to do is pack some stuff. Hooray!!


Maybe there will be web access there and maybe there won't. But if there is I may or may not post. There's always text messages.

Big huge love to the mv folk...

Had a very intense dream where I was arguing and in tears with my father that he was going to leave me the jewellery and valuables and the house to my cousin. I was arguing that I wanted the house to split with my brother so that we could have security or else we never would be able to and then woke up that I needed to feel safe. Blimey. Obviusly my psyche is holding on to those fears more strongly than I thought.

Awards ceremony (we didnt win) had esteemed company including Ecover and Sainsbury's (compostable packaging) and Al Gore winning an award (for campaigner of the year) - he wasnt there. The room was hot and we all stood about making small talk and drinking too much champagne and being fed tiny canapes. Exactly the kind of event I hate, but the thical people around me was kind of a softener to the blow. We did get an excellent goodies bag at the end though which included porridge oats and jewelery and moisuriser and chocolate and gift vouchers and all sorts of lovely things for yurt dwellers. About £100 worth of stuff. Goodness, worth the stuffy champagne drinking folk.

I think the best part of the night was the man who gave the speech and was the most un-pc person I ever met. His best line was, 'the best way to be ethical is not to breed, so if you see a prgnant person, kick them'. To shocked silence in the hall, he was joking of course, but I found it very funny... provocativeness and all.

my stove and my new camera have arrived in oxford so I must sort my stuff and go there to install them. goody!!

ooh I live in a field
I went to bed last night after having a conversation with a hedgehog off on her nightly walk
and I at my porridge in piles of cushions and furs this morning
And the weather is lovely (touch wood)
And I am very content
Also I bought a woodstove for the yurt today and it should be up for the tea party this weekend.

Hooray

xxx

Life is nothing but a bright celebration
And all of the world a party of life
We set all our dreams in a world turning motion
Off to the joyful happiness we're all in
We step into the field in bare brown limbs
And dance until the fairies take us away
When all of our hopes are become realisations
Life is nothing but a bright celebration

I live under the stars
And at night creatures crawl about me
The soft tinkle of wind chimes lull me
Off to deepest earthbound slumber
Wrapped in fur and coated with feathers
The sky shines down on me while I sleep
And every morning I look out my door
To the open green fields of happiness
The candle flame behind my shrine
Sheds softening reflections under my canvas filled love.
And people come to relax in piles of cushions
Sipping tea in the late afternoon
And discussing all matters of heart filled aspirations
No bricks and mortar to hold us in
And with our soul set aloft to the night
We are free as the sky
And as bright as one hundred moons.

i will post photos when

a) receive my new camera ordered today from amazon
b) find the camera cable in a box.

I have bought a pink kettle barbeque in is very cool

I am having a mad tigers tea party next (saturday) starts about 4pm. For all those in the same country as me, please see your emails... xxx

wooohoooo!!

Woke up early and went to St James Park with the DEO and the firerat boy while the city was still quiet. Then to mind body and spirit festival (free tickets courtsey of DEO's dad) where there were many crystals and snake oil sellers of 'magic water' and bought some lovely incense and a buddha trinket and some hare krishna food. Also got to sing some 'spiritual' songs. How I love singing, i love it I love it.

Got back knackered, looked at vans had a conversation with the faun about vans. the whole van thing is stressing me out a bit at the moment. I know there is a van out there for me, but the process is a bit daunting. I know i'm quite capable of buying one, but feel the need for some moral support and practical manly standing aboutness . Couldn't articulate this on the phone to the faun and wish I could have, have never bought my own car before and feel I need some help on it. I suppose its all part of my ongoing growing up process really. Have found out there are at least 5 van sellers around Oxford, so will go up there and see what I can find. Once the van thing is sorted everything else will be much much simpler.

wish me luck.

not having much luck with the posting thing here.

arrived safe, have written huge post but will not send.

strange

Covent Garden...

Bubble of rushing shouting
honking humanity
struggles and shuffles
bleakly, in sultry summers heat
Gently, in soft winds treat
Upon skins
and Minds
The never ending end of it
Calling from the street

At any rate, I have quite abit of practical organisation to complete before Wednesday, cars to tax, vans to go and look at in Coventry, people to hit, covent garden to explore for the weekend, Andrew to speak to about pitching the yurt, Angus to see and numerous other ridiculous moving about of stuff.

why the fuck?

Where did I find myself?
In a puddle of rain that I stood in barefooted?
A soft tender heart pressed next to mine?
Unbroken white snowfall at moonlight?
Howling at darkness in northern skies?
Down in a pathway littered with leaf fall?
In a reflection of a crashing sea?
Was it in a field at midnight?
Was it under a pounding beat?
In sweating, dancing, fevered beauty?
In smallest toes between my teeth?
In a childs impatient wantings.
Or soft lips upon my cheek?
Found while sitting, looking closely,
Found in conversation, poetry.
In all my loves and friends and preachers,
Found while searching really deep.

My mother for being cool about the whole me exploring relationships thing

My new second cousin, Alexander (Lex!) Apollo Hawk for being a miracle of creation.

The jewellery seller I met yesterday for being inspiring and wonderful

My Dad for thinking what I'm doing is an amazing adventure

The fabulous Canadian girl who did amazing things to my hair yesterday (you just wait until you see it).

The fact I'm probably going to Dublin to catch up with someone who is so dear to me I could cry.

The faun for being insane and throwing himself in the magic river.

mynxii for her incredible journey and travels.

black-samvara for always being my friend

other fabulous people that I cant mention individually who have provided me with love, comfort, cuddles, massages, hair advice and talk through a difficult time I have had being back here. I'm going home. I'm going to live in a yurt. Fuck me that is SO FUCKING COOL!!!!!



Yeee ha.


Ha ha ha ha ha ha

Went to bed at 3am. (Was hungry and snacking at 2.30am and then there was Harry Potter...).

Headache seems to have gone away, but was super duper bad by the time I got home and had to take more codeine and eat and have hot packs and stuff. I haven't had so many headaches for year, I blame stress and lack of routine and internal turmoil.

And today I go have cool stuff done to my hair,

Oh and does anyone want to get together at my parents tonight for a its my last night in the country thing?

And I've lost the mobile phone, I think it must be in black_samvaras house somewhere, so I may have to swing by and search for it.

xx